Monday, August 04, 2008

Memories

This is where it all began. This is where I first began to blog. Sometimes, you have to back to the beginning, to remember where it was you wanted to go in the first place.

It's been a year and nine months since I've posted here. This site has been dead, and yet, I find myself compelled to come back here, as if there is unfinished business here. As if this site was more an unfinished work rather than a monument to a blogging past.

I left here to go to BSB because my writing became focused on the '06 elections, and its traffic gave me an audience I never had on my own. But in so doing, I found the scope of my writing became more and more limited the bigger the audiences were. "Modern Esquire, " the guy who wanted to write about life, the law, and politics, became "Modern Pundit," yet another white guy writing about politics.

Nobody grew to hate your posts more than I did, until the Clinton-Obama primary wars came. And I never understood how powerful a mob the cyber world could be until I saw it turn on me. The one who was once listened to, linked to, and generally respected quickly became the object of scorn and ridicule for no other sin than whispering the name "Clinton."

I hated the Spring. I hated the petty attacks. But most of all, I hated myself for becoming part of it all. I hated my writing and the pettiness of it all as much as the "message" of the people I responded to. And I thought about walking away, and to a large degree I have. Family, the law, and life came back into balance, and I remembered that I was just as happy in the real world as I ever was in this.

And now I'm back here, staring at this site nobody ever sees anymore. And I remember what it was like two years ago. When I just wrote. And without thinking, I felt compelled to write this post.

Maybe I don't need to blog every story, every hour, every day, or ever again. And suddenly, I realize what went wrong. I went onto BSB to be heard as M.E.; but I came here to be me. All this time, I thought I had to choose between the two. But nobody ever told me I had to chose. Nor do I have to choose, either.

So, now, I realize what I can do. I can continue to be heard on BSB, and I can come here to be me.

So, I can continue to write about politics at BSB when it suits me. But I can still come here for everything else. To write about the other passions such as the law. And maybe nobody will read it here. And that's fine with me, because nobody was reading this anyways.

I came here to shout into the void; I didn't expect an answer. Progress is cyclical, and sometimes you have to go back where you started to make the next evolution.

Welcome back.

6 comments:

LisaRenee said...

You might not expect an answer, but I've always enjoyed reading your posts, especially the ones written here.

Welcome back...

Modern Esquire said...

Thanks, LisaRenee. I alway appreciate respect from an esteemed collegue. I've been a fan of yours for a long time, too.

So, how's that calendar idea that I mentioned to Jill coming? :)

LisaRenee said...

That was your idea? I should have known (smile) last I heard she was still working on it.

:-)

Eric said...

i'll have to blogroll and RSS this again and check in often. you know i'm a big fan, despite the obama/hillary stuff.

i believe i coined the phrase "love me some ME". ;-)

Modern Esquire said...

You've definately coined the phrase. Although, I must admit, you are also the only person who USES the phrase. Thanks for the kind post.

One week into it, and I've already gotten my green jacket. Ironically, I don't think Hickman ever commented before. He has also proven the Ohio blogsphere tale: Nothing drives up traffic quicker than a visit from Dave Hickman.

Pelikan said...

Dear Modern: This post was great for me in a way probably different than the folks who have been blogging for awhile. I decided to start blogging because I don't get to write that much anymore and I got ticked off about something I read in the paper. So, I created Clips and Comment.

A lot of days I find myself wondering what I'm doing, but I keep doing it. I find myself worrying about what the site is supposed to be and it just is whatever it is that day.

Someone at work who works professionally in web design said the happiest bloggers are the ones who just do or write about what their passionate about and don't worry about the stats. Sounds like that's where you are. Good luck and keep writing - Pelikan